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LOS ANGELES—Stopping producers in their tracks after an exhausting, fruitless day of screening candidates for their film’s lead, local actor Christopher Ryan, the perfect fit for the role, poked his head into the audition room Monday to ask whether it was too late for him to be considered.

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday.

SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday.

CHIPPEWA FALLS, WI—Saying that nothing rankled him more than hearing that kind of outrageous misrepresentation, Chippewa Falls, WI, resident Gary Miller told reporters Thursday that he absolutely hates when people from Eagle Point claim to be from Chippewa Falls.

LANCASTER, PA—Still unable to draw any solid conclusions from the unpredictable reactions she has experienced over her lifetime, local 32-year-old Michelle Waldman acknowledged Monday that she was even now not entirely sure where her body stands with lactose.

Last modified 30-Sep-2018 17:30